The look

***The following is something that I wrote a long time ago, about a boy that very few people know about. But, it was one of the roller coaster things where the highs were unbelievable and the aftermath made your stomach turn.

Sometimes when I think hard about it, I can't remember what he looks like. I know the thin hair and his baby blue eyes (but only because he talked about the the connection we had with our "baby blues"). When I think hard about it, his face is like the sun- when you look right at it, you can't see it at all.

We had a serious past. One that started early on in college and continued secretly throughout the years. I was his "partner in crime" and we often got into mischief together. He brought out both the best and the worst in me. One night I would be dancing in circles around his living room while his roommates played the guitar, the rest of us singing familiar tunes, the air thick with smoke and the smell of cheap liquor. The next I would be huddled under my blankets, alone.

I have one defining memory of what his face looks like-I saw it in one split moment after he kissed me. Like it was a look I wasn't supposed to see but I opened my eyes too soon. His eyes told stories and this story contained all the passion, desire, and chemistry we ever had. The only word that adequately describes the look is hunger.

That was one of the last nights I ever saw him. After months of being on that roller coaster, my heart couldn't take it anymore.

I guess, I just wonder if in ten years when I think about him and the impact he had on my life, will I be able to remember his face? Or will it always be a blur- a mix of baby blues and hunger.