Tuesday, January 13, 2009

I'm tired...

I'm tired...

of not having a place of my own
of going to school
of being made to feel guilty by my mother for taking personal time because she never does
of Jerk roommate's anxiety, outright aggression, and passive aggression
of feeling so unwelcome and uncomfortable in Boy's home that it makes me sick to my stomach
of only spending time with Boy one or two nights a week
of the lack of quality time and intimacy that only spending one night together leads to
of Boy's brother's poor decisions and personal drama that affects us all
of being slightly out of sorts

but mostly, I'm just tired of waiting for the next phase of my life.
I've always felt like I was just working towards the next thing. In High school, I was working to graduate so I could go to college. In college, I was just working to graduate to get to grad school. Now that I'm in grad school, I'm working so that I can be done with school for awhile, and get a job. Don't get me wrong. I don't think that getting a job will make me feel fulfilled--I know I'll always be working for the next raise, project, or position. But, I just want to feel like I accomplished something-- that all my hard work in school is going to pay off with a decent job.

On the other hand, I know I need to slow down. To enjoy not having a full time job right now, to not have tons of bills and stress, to not worry about a family and a house. But the mounds of homework, the guilt trips, and the lack of personal space and belongings forces me to not enjoy the present situation. It only makes me long for a space all my own.

For a place where I can...

lounge freely without fear of a guilt trip or an angry outburst
lay around in my undies and not feel odd about it
have just a bottle of wine for dinner and 100% enjoy it
lay in bed until noon
skip out on the dishes for a few days
and avoid doing laundry until I run out of underwear

But, none of these things are possible for a little while. I still have at least a year of school left, which means only a part time salary for a year and Boy is in no position to buy his own place. So, until then, I will force myself to deal with the situation, steal personal moments when I can, and in general, put on my big girl panties and deal with it.

But, in the mean time, I'd love your support and thoughts as I attempt to act like an adult...


Anonymous said...

I completely understand how you feel. I am constantly waiting for my next big thing. After college it took me 2 years to find a job that paid well. It was horrible because I felt worthless. I feel a little better now that I have a good and going back to school. SO I am working toward graduating so that I can teach. My mother always told me that I am a planner. It is true. Hang in there because believe me it does get better. They our 20's are out hardest years. You're not alone!

Saskia said...

Things sound rough, especially the house-situation with Boy, that's really rough. It's so horrible to feel that uncomfortable and anxious in his home. I don't know if it does make you feel any better, but I lived with a roomate in my last year at uni that made my life hell. I felt sick and anxious the entire time I was there and ended up just being there to sleep. horrible.

Each day that goes by is a day closer to the end of this situation and to having a place of your own, and it will be so worth it, trust me!

Thinking of you *hugs*

Mrs. Newlywed said...

I always feel that way too, but each day I remember to embrace that day for what it is by itself.

You can work towards something and still be happy with the individual days...be happy that they exist and that you have achieved something that day alone.

It makes life a lot less stressful.

Lyla Lou said...

I'm a new reader so I'm a little fuzzy on the details, but.....I think you should totally drink a bottle of wine for dinner. ASAP. Who cares what anyone thinks, you deserve it!

Seaside Prep said...

I completely understand this post. I think on days like this it is best to take it step by step and go out to lunch with a friend? thinking of you!

Mrs. Not-so-Domesticated said...

My heart goes out to you, I remember feeling like that too...that wanting... Hang in there and definitely enjoy the little things. I couldn't wait to be done with school, I'd had enough. Now that I'm done, I don't miss the school part but I miss the friends and the lifestyle. Back then I waited to have my own space and freedom, now I can't keep up with the cleaning of my own space and I have 3 people/dogs to take care of...

Its never ending...so you're not alone!

. Becca . said...

You are a girl after my own heart! Lol! Your heel/sneaker pic made me laugh out loud, that's soooo me! Jam Bands, eh? I'm a HUGE Phish/Dead fan!

:) Thanks for the comment, darlin'!

Ashley said...

That is the hardest part of being in school... it can feel like a way too extended period of transition!!! I hated that feeling with all my heart!!! And I'm so glad to be done with it... but there is the flip side where I sometimes miss the changing schedules and such.

All the things you said though... yea I feel your pain!

Pink Pearls & Muddy Sneakers said...

I went through the same thing - and after my first year of grad school, I ended up taking a STUDENT loan (NOT private) in exactly the amount of what my housing would cost, to live in a modest apartment in a safe neighborhood with a roommate. My parents are OVERLY generous, but it was time for me to be an adult, and not feel guilty about spending so much time on myself. Ditto on the wine for dinner. I am still paying off the loan, so you need to consider that. But for my personal sanity - and for my relationship with my family - this worked well for me. Hang in there - if you decide to live at home for your final year of grad school, you will be VERY glad you did, when you don't have that loan. Either way, there is a great pay-off - either independence now, or financial independence later. You can't go wrong :)
sorry so long. yikes!

Mrs. Not-so-Domesticated said...

I finally posted my award...Thanks again!

Cocaine Princess said...

I believe we all have days like that. Don't worry I'm more than sure things will get better soon. Just hang in there.

Miss Anne said...

Oh sweet pea... I completely remember being in your shoes. I can't begin to tell you how much I know what you are feeling. From your mom to working, to just overall feeling stagnant.

I'm here if you need support (email me.. sassafrasanne@hotmail.com)

sending you a big {hug} and a reminder that things will being to move forward... i promise!

Lis said...

Wow, I am so glad I stumbled onto your blog. I so feel you on this...in fact a lot of what I blog about is figuring out this whole "adult" thing. I will say this -- I have my own place and it is the BEST. I hope you get to do that soon!

I think the 20-somethings are a time in life that make us all feel very isolated, but I find that it's also the most exciting part of my life yet, as possibilities are pretty much endless right now! Sorry about the Boy situation, that's not fun either.

I'll have to check back in sometime! Take care!