of not having a place of my own
of going to school
of being made to feel guilty by my mother for taking personal time because she never does
of Jerk roommate's anxiety, outright aggression, and passive aggression
of feeling so unwelcome and uncomfortable in Boy's home that it makes me sick to my stomach
of only spending time with Boy one or two nights a week
of the lack of quality time and intimacy that only spending one night together leads to
of Boy's brother's poor decisions and personal drama that affects us all
of being slightly out of sorts
but mostly, I'm just tired of waiting for the next phase of my life.
I've always felt like I was just working towards the next thing. In High school, I was working to graduate so I could go to college. In college, I was just working to graduate to get to grad school. Now that I'm in grad school, I'm working so that I can be done with school for awhile, and get a job. Don't get me wrong. I don't think that getting a job will make me feel fulfilled--I know I'll always be working for the next raise, project, or position. But, I just want to feel like I accomplished something-- that all my hard work in school is going to pay off with a decent job.
On the other hand, I know I need to slow down. To enjoy not having a full time job right now, to not have tons of bills and stress, to not worry about a family and a house. But the mounds of homework, the guilt trips, and the lack of personal space and belongings forces me to not enjoy the present situation. It only makes me long for a space all my own.
For a place where I can...
lounge freely without fear of a guilt trip or an angry outburst
lay around in my undies and not feel odd about it
have just a bottle of wine for dinner and 100% enjoy it
lay in bed until noon
skip out on the dishes for a few days
and avoid doing laundry until I run out of underwear
But, none of these things are possible for a little while. I still have at least a year of school left, which means only a part time salary for a year and Boy is in no position to buy his own place. So, until then, I will force myself to deal with the situation, steal personal moments when I can, and in general, put on my big girl panties and deal with it.
But, in the mean time, I'd love your support and thoughts as I attempt to act like an adult...