Wednesday, February 25, 2009

To my Fellow Gold's Gym Members:

Dear Gym members,
Most of you follow proper gym etiquette and we have little do with each other besides a small smile as we both walk into the gym at an un-Godly hour. I appreciate this. However, to the few that need a refresher on gym etiquette, please see my letter below.

To the gym bunnys,
Yes, your body is rocking. Your six pack is nice and your legs are perfectly toned. And, if we are being perfectly honest, yes I am a little jealous that your whole body probably weighs the same as my left leg. That being said, we could all still tell that your body is rocking when you wear normal workout gear. There is no need for spandex shorts and a sports bra (with regular bra underneath) that you wear every-single-time you are at the gym. One, there is no need for the regular bra under the sports bra look- cleavage in a sports bra is defeating the purpose of keeping those suckers down. Secondly, It's not that hot at in the gym---no need for the sports bra only look. By wearing just that--you are clearly saying, "Look at me while I work out."

And if you feel that the gym is hot, (which I doubt because I've never seen you sweat) I bet putting your hair in a pony-tail instead of curling it and wearing it down would help keep you a little cooler. Just a tip from me to you. Finally, that make up that you put on to come to the gym is totally unnecessary too. We are here to sweat, not scope out men. Judging by that huge rock on your left ring finger, I'm pretty sure you are married and although you are clearly trying to attract attention, you probably shouldn't be. If you aren't getting what you need out of your marriage and need to seek validation for your looks at the gym, well, sister, that is an entirely different conversation.

And the next time you shoot me the stink eye while I am doing my wide leg squats to try and slim down my thighs, I will pick up the 10 pound dumb bell and hurl it at your face.

To the old man who thinks he can enter the "womens only" section:
Sir. Apparently you aren't getting the evil glances I shoot at you every time you do this. I know you aren't illiterate and can read that huge sign that says "Ladies Golds." We ladies specifically work out in this section to avoid creepers like you who make us feel uncomforatble while working out. (Yes, men, we do see you checking out our asses while doing our 1000th squat).

I assume you are simply lazy (which is weird since you are really musclar- as I can tell by your entirely too tight t-shirt). Since you can't seem to walk the 30 feet to the other equipment to find the specific weight you need, you think it is ok to prance into the women's section, pick out the weight you want, and prance out. This, my friend, is not ok.
One, it's women only for a reason. We like it this way. Get out.
Two, it's pretty screwed up to take our equipment out of the room because you are too lazy to find it elsewhere.
Third, if you ever have the balls to correct my form on something, like I've seen you do to other women before, I will not resist throwing that ten pound dumbbell you took from the women's section directly at your face.

Ask a gym bunny, she'll tell you.

Thanks to the both of you for your attention in this matter. Really appreciate your cooperation.



Saskia said...

Your letter made me laugh!

What is worse, the acrylic-taloned, perfectly made up bunny or the creepy man? They're both awful and are present in every gym round here too!

You're doing a lot better than me just by going in the morning!
Saskia x

Whitney said...

Hilarious! I am right with you on this, though!

Marlene said...

Oh my god, I can't stand the little hoochies that are all dolled up and dressed in their skimpy workout gear (if you can even call it that). Uggghhh!

Mrs. Potts said...

That cracked me up & I have the same thought about the gym bunnies!
I have one to add to your list. Smelly gassy people. Please go to the bathroom & take care of your business before you hop up on the treadmill or elliptical & totally make me cover my nose with my shirt. GROSS People! GROSS!!

Mrs. Potts said...

I also meant to thank you for the kind words you left me on Monday. That was hard admitting I felt that way & it was cathartic to get it out there. I think you may be right about the plateauing. I'm starting incorporating a group class called Cardio Sculpt once a week & may try Pilates as well. Thank you again!

Kristen said...

GOLD's is a magnet for bunnies

Anonymous said...

Haha- Good stuff there! I concur.

Domestically Disabled Girl said...

Oh, I am glad I found you to read this post! I used to work out at Gold's Gym, and no matter where it is located, you find the same ditzy women!

Brittany Ann said...

Here, here! I second all of it!

Mrs. Not-so-Domesticated said...

Love your post. I'm with you, I look like crap at the gym because lets face it...working out is not that much fun. I'm not going to primp myself to look "good" while I'm doing something I don't really enjoy. I don't enjoy the creepy men so I have a hard time going without the hubby, our YMCA doesn't have a "women's only" area. I would very much enjoy seeing you throw a 10 lb dumbell at someone...and I think it counts as cardio...

Anonymous said...

Haha, I think we must be at the same gym...