Waterproof Mascara

I own one tube of waterproof mascara. And use it only for high-crying probability events. Weddings, greeting new babies, graduation, funerals.

This summer, my waterproof mascara has been used far too many times. And not, for the happy crying events- like weddings and babies. Unfortunately, its been for the bad events- the funerals and hospital visits.

As I'm sure most of you know, Boy's older brother died earlier this summer. About a week after that, I found out that my Aunt Kathy's health went severely downhill. She had pretty advanced central nervous system/brain cancer. They started her on chemo, but the chemo caused her brain to swell, which caused her to have seizures. She was put into a coma to control the seizures; that was too weeks ago. She never woke up from the coma, and today, she passed on.

Today, I heard my father cry on the phone. I have never, ever, witnessed him crying. It was painful.

Throughout these past few weeks, I told Boy very little. He'd been through so much, I couldn't burden him with my tears. I am still hesitant to ask him to come to the funeral. I'm strong enough to do this on my own--should I ask him to come along after just loosing his brother. He is one of the strongest people I know, but would this bring up painful memories? I also haven't written about it all on here. I had already asked for so many prayers for Boy and his family, I felt I'd used up my allotment.

So, this has been my summer...Tough and depressing and consisting of loosing two people who were very close to me. I start my last semester of grad school on Wednesday. I imagine it going like this, "Hi, Im littlesack. I'm on the education track in the public policy program. This past summer...I went to two funerals and learned that holding up your boyfriend during his brother's funeral is immensely painful."

I need a Xanex.

Time again for Not Me! Monday.

In case you haven't been introduced to Not Me! Monday, yet, here are a few details. This fun game originated with MckMama. Here are the rules to playing, but in sum, you just list a lot of things you "didn't" (read: actually did) do this weekend/past week. All in the name of admitting that we all make mistakes and aren't perfect.

Saturday, during my long run, I certainly did not, stop running, duck behind a cluster of trees, and use the bathroom (#2 bathroom!!). This was not right next to some kids' blunt wraps and empty beer cans. It was not a complete emergency and waiting until the trail stop was totally not possible!!

Okay...That's all for the week. Although there are certainly more, nothing!! lives up to having to make an emergency pit stop in the woods during a two hour run. (I once read an article about runners embarrassing moments, and one of them said - if you've never taken a poop on a run, you aren't a real runner, well---guess I passed that threshold!)

What didn't you do this past week?

Not Me! Monday

It's been a looooonnnnngggg time since I did a "Not Me! Monday" and believe me, I have a lot saved up.

In case you haven't been introduced to Not Me! Monday, yet, here are a few details. This fun game originated with MckMama. Here are the rules to playing, but in sum, you just list a lot of things you "didn't" (read: actually did) do this weekend/past week. All in the name of admitting that we all make mistakes and aren't perfect.

So, here we go....

I clearly did not have a colossal freak out at work on what happened to be Douch Bag Wednesday (less formerly known as DB-dub) when the following happened... First, my boss hung up his phone in the middle of a teleconference simply because he did not want to hear what we were telling him. An hour later, he called me to tell me that our consultant emailed him to state that "my work was subpar and I was compromising the project." My response was that the consultant could take over the task himself, since clearly he did not like the way I was doing it. My boss did not tell me that I was being unprofessional. You want to talk about unprofessionalim?!?!?!?!!?! How about that meeting you just hung up on or the way you nasty-gramed me this morning. Neither of which are "professional." It did not take every fiber of my being for me to not tell my boss to shove his hippocratic, self-entitled, douchebag ways.

I didnot soothe myself with hershey kisses and chocolate covered raisins. I would never ever use chocolate to make myself feel better.

Over the past month or so, I have certainly not peed outside on more than half a dozen occasions. It has certainly not become common for me to stop mid run, hide behind a tree, drop trough, and continue jogging like that was totally normal.

I did not give my cat a bath. I do not have multiple scratches from this experience. I do not blame my mother.

I did not take a mental health day and then a mental health morning from work. Getting out of bed to get to that job is not becoming more difficult by the day.

I am not typing this post while sitting in my undies & sipping a glass a wine. I am not relishing having the house 100% to myself (besides my cat).

I did not spend 40 dollars on an alpaca fur teddy bear. It was not totally self indulgent but totally worth it. (I certainly couldn't have used that money for some new work pants that actually fit me).

I have not shopped at Target at least twice a week for the last month. I certainly do not know why I keep going back- except that a store that sells 20 dollar shoes and bags of hershey kisses in the same place totally gets me.

I did not wear a white dress to a Mother-to-be-Tea thinking it would be an excellent idea. I did not spill tea all over it.

Boy and I did not have the best time with Caleb at the zoo! I did not totally enjoy playing family for the day. And did not seriously consider taking him home with us.(a pic of Boy and Caleb feeding the ducks--except I didn't get any ducks in the picture--ill have to work on that!)

I have not totally and completely missed blogging and all of my blog ladies. and I do not promise to catch up on everything soon.

Something to giggle about...

Because even in the midst of some really bad days, everyone needs something to laugh about. Last week, a woman I work with sent out this gem of an e-mail.

"Hi everyone:

I lost a medela breast pump in the office last Friday, most likely in the Suite 310 kitchen. If you happen to see it, can you let me know

Thanks in advance"

The boys that sit next to me thought this was too-die-for funny. We all laughed about it for hours afterward. No, breast pumps aren't funny, but asking the ENTIRE company if anyone had found your breast pump that you left IN THE KITCHEN, is pretty funny.

And, how do you loose a breast pump? Aren't those things back-packed sized? Maybe we are all a little immature, but this made my day last week.

**On another note, thank you all so very, very much for your kind thoughts, prayers and words in these last few weeks. I was very hesitant at first to share this part of my life and considered abandoning the blog, but I'm glad I didn't. In a very needy time, you all were there like rocks--offering advice and unconditional love (and to a girl whose first name you don't even know). So, thank you all, so much; you are all strong lovely ladies and I am so grateful that I have been able to develop friendships with you all. I promise my blog will get back to its normal, snarky and self-indulgent ways soon.

Happy weekend.

Love, littlesack

Caleb

So, left in wake of Eric...is his three year old son, Caleb.

(an older picture of the little Ham)

An adorable, playful kid that has the most gorgeous eyelashes I've ever seen and an infectious personality.

His mother is one of the craziest people I have ever met in my life, and on numerous occassions has corned me in bathrooms to seek answers out about Boy, Eric, and family, and how things are when Eric has(had?) Caleb. (Eric and the mother weren't together after awhile)

She was very young when she got involved with Eric and very young to be a mother, and I just don't think she had the time to mature into a woman with adult sensibilities before Caleb came along and she hasn't grown up since. But, she is his mother, so I am just praying that she figures it out sooner, rather than later. I think I've written about it before, that if Boy and I were financially stable we would seriously consider adopting Caleb, but...that just won't work at the moment.

Boy is Caleb's godfather and although Boy isn't very religious, I know he takes this role--of raising Caleb with morals and values, very seriously. I also know that he is heartbroken that Eric won't be around to do the "dad" things--- camping trips, Boy Scouts, teaching him to play lacrosse, etc. Boy plans to do these things with Caleb.

We currently live about an hour from Boy's parents and Caleb. We've been house hunting for the past few months, but our area is so wide (and our budget so low) that it's really frustrating. I graduate from my program in December and hopefully I'll be able to find a full-time job. Once we know where I am going to be working, I think we will resume the house hunt. But now, a major priority for us is to move closer to Caleb. Even a half an hour closer would make things a lot easier. But--I don't know. It's difficult to talk these details with Boy and, well, it's just difficult.

We are going back to visit Caleb this weekend. It will be the first time we've seen him since his mother told Caleb about Eric (speaking of...she told Boy the day before that they were telling Caleb last Saturday, and he had to work. It pisses me off that if she really wanted Boy to be there---she should have given him more than one days notice). I think it's going to be horrible. but...it leads me to my current predicament. I don't know what to do to entertain a three-year-old. I'm not a mother and, well, honestly, I just have no idea what is age-appropriate yet fun? Any help? I know a lot of you are mothers and aunts, and any suggestions about how to spend the day with a three-year-old would be really appreciated.

Thanks, ladies.